The Guilty Mom

Guilt (gilt): n. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

So you feel guilty as a mom because you didn't spend enough "quality time" with your children today outside of feeding, wiping, band-aiding, and sending them outside to play with friends.

So you feel guilty as a mom for yelling when your children decided to make a family of sea urchins out of play-doh, sewing needles, and toothpicks and then left them on the floor as a present.

So you feel guilty as a mom for getting mad at dinner because the words "poop" and "fart" came up more times than you can count.

So you feel guilty as a mom because during that same dinner your child refused to eat what was prepared and out of a need to avoid further argument you acquiesced to the demand, microwaved the Dino-eggs oatmeal pack and then watched them pick at and stir the contents until they were too bored to actually eat any of it.

So you feel guilty as a mom for lashing out at your child when they came back into your room complaining about feeling bored after you had just finished playing a board-game with them, watched a cartoon (and then another one just to be extra nice), braided their hair, painted their nails, or played catch, lost at Mario-Kart, drew up a bath, and then chalked the driveway with rainbows, suns, and a family picture where everyone is smiling.

So you feel guilty as a mom for isolating when a coma seemed more pleasurable than another minute surrounded by little humans that in concert sound like the annoying seagulls in Finding Nemo: "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!"

So you feel guilty as a mom for letting the neighbors worry about your kids all afternoon.

So you feel guilty as a mom for forgetting that you even had children during that same afternoon.

So you feel guilty as a mom for always feeling like a complainer to your spouse when it comes to dealing with the kids only to get upset when that same spouse begins to feel the same way you do just mere minutes after returning home.

So you feel guilty as a mom for letting your child eat their fifth popsicle before 10am because having some small measure of peace is worth more than the now almost empty box of ice-pops you bought just the day before.

So you feel guilty as a mom for choosing to buy paints as a fun way to occupy your child's attention and encourage their individual "creative expression" only to send them to their room a short time later for leaving the mess all over the floor, table, wall, bathroom sink, their new clothes, kitchen countertop, fridge handle....

So you feel guilty as a mom for not giving enough hugs and kisses to your children throughout the day.

So you feel guilty as a mom for spanking your child.

So you feel guilty as a mom for sending your child to their room for a time-out and then being reminded of that fact the moment they come into your room to ask if they can come out now.

So you feel guilty as a mom for ignoring your kids more than talking with them.

So you feel guilty as a mom for cringing when your child wants to tell you a joke or share a story because you feel as if you are about to be sent to a North Korean labor camp for 18 months.

So you feel guilty as a mom for feeling depressed and unmotivated to be with your children all day.

So you feel guilty as a mom for feeling like a bad role-model.

So you feel guilty as a mom for finding that listening to your kids can feel as much like a chore as cleaning the bathtub.

So you feel guilty as a mom for praying the new school year starts the day after summer break begins.

So you feel guilty as a mom for focusing too much on the house or business.

So you feel guilty as a mom for blaming all the kids for the fight instead of singling out the main culprit, who, now feels like you play favorites.

So you feel guilty as a mom for watching the ID channel (Investigation Discovery) more than Nickelodeon and favoring stories of murder and mayhem over episodes of Spongebob and Bubble Guppies.

So you feel guilty as a mom for not really caring to push your child to excel higher because they're already still breathing and that seems like enough of an accomplishment.

So you feel guilty as a mom for saying 'yes' more than saying 'no.'

So you feel guilty as a mom for saying 'no' more than saying 'yes.'

So you feel guilty as a mom for letting your child help with dinner and then instantly regretting the opportunity after the one hundredth question has been asked: "Now what, mom?"

So you feel guilty as a mom for not feeling good enough after catching a glimpse of another mom who also happens to be the PTO president and city councilwoman and looks as if she would keep on smiling even after her child threw up on her face or cut their own hair with the meat scissors.

So you feel guilty as a mom for spending too little time with your children.

So you feel guilty as a mom for looking at the cost more than the benefit.

So you feel guilty as a mom for finding greater interest in the drama revealed by the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills than on which child took what from who and why.

So you feel guilty as a mom for not being like Caillou's "ever so patient and willing to do anything he asks" mom.

So you feel guilty as a mom for being on top of your iPhone game, like Candy Crush, more than your child's homework.

So you feel guilty as a mom for using iPads, iPhones, and the Wii to aid in child care and instruction.

So you feel guilty as a mom for looking more at what playtime with the kids will take from you rather than give back.

So you feel guilty as a mom for wishing DVR worked on children as much as it does for your favorite TV shows - hoping to pause or set a timer for when you decide to address their needs and concerns, if at all.

So you feel guilty as a mom for wanting a nanny or a weekly housemaid.

So you feel guilty as a mom for yawning when you read that love is spelled T-I-M-E.

So you feel guilty as a mom for indulging your own interests and appetites at times.

So you feel guilty as a mom for waking up each morning already dressed for the day ahead.

So you feel guilty as a mom waking up every morning excited for bedtime.

So you feel guilty as a mom for rolling your eyes whenever your child comes home from school excited about this year's science project - the one you now feel forced to invest time into.

So you feel guilty as a mom for taking over said science project and then getting mad at your child for not doing it right or making it look sloppy.

So you feel guilty as a mom when you feel the need to ask your spouse or partner for help.

So you feel guilty as a mom when other moms highlight their child's accomplishments while your own are calling each other "stupid idiots" and exchanging death threats.

So you feel guilty as a mom when you have thoughts of making similar threats to this same mother.

So you feel guilty as a mom for viewing your children through the lens of your own pain suffered when you were a child and not feeling like you are acting any different.

So you feel guilty as a mom for having your child in counseling and being on medications.

So you feel guilty as a mom for being in counseling yourself and not knowing if you can do it all.

So you feel guilty as a mom for wishing at times you hadn't become one.

So you feel guilty as a mom for once believing that children were thoughtful and compliant creatures.

So you feel guilty as a mom for reading many articles, quotes, and blogposts from those who call parenting a joy and the responsibility a high privilege and then calling BS on it.

So you feel guilty as a mom for missing the deadlines to sign up your child for swim lessons, flag football, soccer, ballet, or any other extra-curricular activity.

So you feel guilty as a mom for not utilizing the public library during summer break because borrowed books have to be kept track of and you don't want to have to think about anything more than you have to.

So you feel guilty as a mom for neglecting your children's dental, vision, and medical check-ups even though you have thought about scheduling an appointment for many months now, sometimes years.

So now you might be feeling a little less guilty as a mom because someone else perhaps understands a little of what you may be feeling.

Let's be frank. Parenting is hard work and sucks about 99.9% of the time. However, just as in life, there are those choice moments when everything else takes a backseat such as when your child scores a goal during the soccer game or you're presented with a drawing of the two of you holding hands, smiling, beneath a colorful sky with a happy sun in it wearing glasses. Such moments provide the perspective we need to know that even in the storm it is still possible to smile.

On that same note, think of parenting as a rainstorm. In the Hagakure, The Book of the Samurai, we are told to view everything in life as a rainstorm. It reads:

"There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you will still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to everything."

In other words, problems are an inevitable part of life, just like getting wet during a storm. No matter how hard you try to avoid getting wet, you will still get wet, because these storms can come on suddenly. So, just as in parenting, when we are resolved from the beginning to experience some guilt, discouragement, frustration, anger, sadness, anxiety and fear, we will not be as bothered, for we will have learned that such feelings are not at all bad, they just are.

What that means is that we can practice greater acceptance, surrendering to the reality of what is. This is different than giving up. It just means being willing to have the experience you're already having. For example:

"I hate my kids and being a mom is just one floor away from hell."

Accept the feeling. Always remember that pain plus resistance equals suffering whereas pain plus acceptance equals freedom. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. This is different than acting on them. I can totally picture myself punting my son across the backyard for being a punk but I would not really do it. My mind can though. And when I imagine him soaring across the yard beneath a purple sky at dusk, I smile. And then I feel okay.

So, stop wishing that things were different from how they are. So your present reality sucks. So does everyone else's to one degree or another. We are all in need of a change somewhere in our lives. The more you fight the guilt the more it will have reign over you. Experiencing guilt is a hallmark of parenting because we are all imperfect people trying to do an imperfect thing: to raise human beings, not gods. Gods are perfect. People are not.

The moment you think differently, you are setting yourself up for failure. NO ONE gets it exactly right. God didn't and He was a perfect parent. And even He had children who fought, fell, and fled.

So, parents, especially mothers, don't look at guilt as a bad thing. Think of it as a rainstorm that you will no longer try to avoid or escape. Resolve in your mind now that feeling guilty is part of the process of parenting. Put away the umbrella and get soaked up in it all. And then, when the kids aren't looking, go inside and lock the door behind you.

The Candy Bar

Throughout my life, I have learned and been blessed by many things. But one of the greatest blessings I remember to this day came when I was just a young boy.

Despite having an abundance of love and testimony in the home, my family’s own temporal needs were another matter. To be clear, we had very little to get by on and at times were left with nothing more than just our faith in the Lord to make it through. But in every struggle there would always come a greater blessing, one which I was about to learn personally for myself.

The day came when I received an invitation to a close friend’s birthday party. As excited as I was, I remember going to the store with my mother to pick out a gift, one I was hoping would be the very best of all for my very best friend. But, to my regret, I was reminded once more that such a gift could not be afforded due to the very limited budget we were on.

Then, with a wise and always reassuring smile, my mother gently offered me a simple candy bar as a replacement gift for my friend.

As I looked at that substitute present, I couldn’t help but feel sad. I was sad that I wouldn’t have a decent gift to give my friend and felt even more embarrassed about what everyone else would say and think about me – as the kid who gave a candy bar instead of a toy. In fact, I began to favor not going to the party at all in an effort to save myself from what I believed would be a total and guaranteed humiliation.

On the day of the party, with a still nervous stomach and fearful heart, I placed the candy bar on the table next to the other gifts noticing once more the little red ribbon my mother had carefully helped me tie around it.

Shortly after, the time came when all the presents were to be opened. A feeling of dread came over me as I watched my friend finally pick up my meager gift.

But upon noticing it, and to my complete surprise, he smiled wide and expressed his appreciation and thrill for the candy bar I had given him. Words cannot describe the peace and joy I felt in my heart at that moment, both for my friend’s accepting gesture and for the lesson my mother had just then taught me about what it means to truly give.

Since that day, I have reflected on the experience many times and have felt the love of my Heavenly Father in every opportunity I have had to give and be of service to others. I have appreciated the gift of goodly parents who taught me that it can feel good to give, even when you feel that your offering seems inadequate and small. I have also learned that the Lord is mindful of our sacrifices and will bless us if we but serve Him and those around us cheerfully.

Most importantly, I have come to feel in all its fervor the power of the scripture: “Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:7).

As I study the words and life of the Savior, I am reminded of His tender mercies and of the many ways He gave throughout his ministry. I remember that God loves a cheerful giver, even when all that can be given is a candy bar. 

The Family in the Age of Technology

A recent study claimed that American adults used their smartphones about 12 percent of the time in the shower, 19 percent within a church or place of worship, 32 percent at a child’s function taking place at school, 33 percent while on a dinner date, 35 percent while in a movie theater and 55 percent while driving their automobile.

The same study concluded that when it comes to smartphones and relationships, approximately 12 percent of adults believe they get in the way of pursuing intimate relationships with over 70 percent keeping their smartphones within five feet of themselves at all times.

I admit that the findings of this study were not at all surprising to me. In fact, the sobering results only reaffirm to me the many woes and consequences of living in a technological age where apps and upgrades are as prevailing as the present divorce rate.

Since the advent of media at our fingertips, I have wondered at what point we will all just stop paying attention to each other completely and find that family interaction requires more of a conscious effort than natural drive.

This was made clear to me one afternoon when I entered the office and saw a family sitting in the lobby, apart and spaced out, with mom and dad on smartphones and the children texting and playing video games. What struck me the most was not the observed disconnect this family seemed to have with each other, but rather the sound it all produced – silence. Not a single word was spoken.

Let me be clear that I am not anti-technology or smartphone. I believe they do contain many functions and benefits that are both educational and informative. However, I have learned that the brighter the light the darker the shadow with the latter cast by social media dimming our homes from a warm and nurturing environment loving and respectful relationships need to thrive in.

Any farmer will tell you that preparation is important to a successful season in much the same way a well-connected family works to uphold positive and personal attention for one another. But, when the same farmer or parent has become a mobile device, what kind of quality care and attention can the crop, or the family, really receive? Nothing of real substance.

It is therefore both my professional and personal concern that the current trend of mobile distractions will only divide our attentions more from the things that matter most to things that matter least if we choose to keep our heads lowered in neglect of those around us. 

For what real value is our helpfulness if it can only be seen on screen than heard and felt in person?

No doubt there will always be distractions that attempt to pull one away from his or her core family, but that is the test laid before us which we must all strive to pass by protecting the humanity within ourselves and our close relationships.

Albert Einstein once purported that the day would come when technology would overlap humanity and what would be left is a ‘generation of idiots.’ This would be a funnier prediction if it wasn’t already fulfilled. Now it’s just the sad truth of the rising generation and the modern family.

But we need not despair, especially as parents, because we know what life was like prior to the advent of social media and mobile devices.

And if the past seems foggy, here’s a few descriptive words to help generate some ideas to discuss and exemplify within our own homes:

Patience, sacrifice, work, love, respect, responsibility, accountability and thrift.

Such memories and attributes ought to be shared more often with our loved ones for their understanding and emotional growth. That beyond the phone there lies a person (a child, spouse, friend) with feelings and passions who would feel more connected and cared for by way of a hug, a walk, your listening ear, a kindly deed and word or just a little bit of your time spent face to face - no distractions.

It’s ironic that the way we counter the distracting effects of technology on our lives is to distract ourselves away from them. In essence, to unplug ourselves from the matrix of social media in order to reconnect with reality, beginning with our families at both mealtime and playtime.

So, let us lay down our phones and electronic devices in favor of those around us, giving them our undivided attention and support as if we had only five minutes left to live. Because, in the end, what will really matter more and carry the greatest weight, the text or the talk?

True Meaning of Friendship

Been reading about General Armistead and his friend, General Hancock in the Civil War and the true ties they maintained throughout the conflict. It's a sweet story and leaves me thinking of how important friends are in life. I have always loved the scripture in 2 Corinthians 7:6 where Paul, after suffering much, his "flesh having no rest" and who "without were fightings and within were fears," was comforted by the coming of Titus, or the arrival of a friend. 

Sad that Armistead and Hancock never did have their reunion in the war as they were both wounded with Armistead died. As portrayed in the movie, Gettysburg, the actor Richard Jordan beautifully portrays what real friendship is all about. I love when he wishes God to strike him dead if he ever raised a hand against his friend, General Hancock. 

I also love that Irish folk song, Kathleen Mauvorneen (or Mauvornin) which is sung in that same scene. I call my own wife 'mauvornin' now as it means "my darling." :)

Anyway, just a real nice story about two soldiers who never forgot what was most important - each other. Kind of like marriage, always knowing that you're never alone.

Former President Rutherford B Hayes said this about William Hancock [but also how all men ought to strive to be remembered]: “[i]f, when we make up our estimate of a public man, conspicuous both as a soldier and in civil life, we are to think first and chiefly of his manhood, his integrity, his purity, his singleness of purpose, and his unselfish devotion to duty, we can truthfully say of Hancock that he was through and through pure gold.” 

Here's that scene with Armistead talking about his friend, Hancock "the Superb." 

https://youtu.be/U1xLCnzsvfw

Honor and Integrity

In an age when many people look toward the Federal Government for succor and rescue than to God and their own individual responsibilities, it helps to look back about 150 years to learn how those who gave so much in their service to the nation during the Civil War responded to government assistance after the conflict. I reference a few examples provided by my father, who is a historian at the Historical Society of Pennsylvania. He writes:

"In an article entitled, "A True Patriot," appearing in the Lebanon {PA} Courier, on January 20th, 1870, an account was given from the 'Commissioners of Pensions,' who had received a letter from a DANIEL K. WILD, former private in Co. 'K,' 84th Pennsylvania Volunteers, residing at Abbott Village, in Maine. The letter from Wild to the Federal government's pension office, stated how, "the writer had regained his health, an can get along without his pension. He therefore requests that his name be stricken from the pension rolls."

As one can imagine, such denial of monies, drew the attention of the Pension Bureau, and prompted Commissioner Van Aernam to write Daniel Wild and let him know that his "request has been granted." The Commissioner continued:

"Living in an age when the honest impulses of the great mass of the people are blunted by an overwhelming desire for gain, this request with your services as a soldier in the field, shows that you are alike honorable and patriotic, and your name should go down to history as a worthy example for the coming generation. Permit me to thank you for your noble letter."

During the Civil War itself, an article appearing in the Philadelphia Daily Evening Bulletin, for May 12th, 1863, entitled, "An Honest Soldier, concerned that of Private JOHN MOHR, of Co. 'E,' Fifth Kentucky Volunteer Infantry (USA), who'd received $104.00 more than was due to him, though as far as 'Uncle Sam' was concerned, the amount was correct. However, Mohr insisted "that he had been overpaid, but failed to convince the paymaster, until he bought proof that a payment made two months previous had not been entered against him."

Mohr's case was investigated and it was found "that his statement was correct, and the Paymaster awarded him $5.00 for his honesty. He had every opportunity to pocket the money, and it never would have been discovered, but his heart was too large to be guilty of such a crime." The article goes on to state, that "John is highly deserving of promotion for his honesty. Aside from this virtue, he is said to be an excellent soldier and has seen hard service."

I share these two above examples of honor and virtue to illustrate the point that in our present age of dependence on the Federal Government it would behoove us to consider the higher wealth and security that comes from personal responsibility and initiative. If all those who wrongfully submit to government help decided to act as the two above mentioned patriots did then our country would immediately cease its backsliding and move forward once again as the world's standard for truth and moral excellence.