Keep Courtship Alive

“And they lived happily ever after.” Such is the ending to many great and classic literary masterpieces regarding love. And love, more easily than any of our other emotions, has always excited our interest and imagination. It is no wonder then why these legends continue to capture our attention because of their focus on the desperate longing of two people kept apart only to be brought together in the bonds of matrimony in the end.

Though, despite true love’s first kiss, so little is known of the choice couple after the wedding. Were they able to preserve their love and experience actual fulfillment? Were their post-marital days as blissful and satisfying as their premarital?

Present divorce rates have come to be too high for us to believe that merely falling in love and getting married assure a couple’s happily ever after. So why are so many marriages failing? And is it possible to reverse this trend?

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I have come to know that marital satisfaction and love can live on in their highest forms as long as both partners work together to do one thing:

Keep courtship alive. 

Courtship is the pulse in marriage. Without one, love grows cold and dies. It is too easy to let familiarity kill the courtship spirit whose victims are always the lover in the husband and the sweetheart in the wife.

Before marriage, we all present our Friday night personalities – fun, spontaneous, active - only from then on to tame the same qualities into a Monday morning persona - dull, repetitive, tiresome. Many marriages terminate for this very reason because one or both of the partners take the other for granted, with each person becoming involved in his or her own interests rather than in the needs of the relationship as if all the energy exerted before marriage ceases to exist under the false presumption that happiness now flows automatically from their union.

Marriage, like any other relationship, needs regular attention. Like a hungry animal, it needs to be fed constantly. We must monitor its pulse often if it is not to die. Our attitude must ever be one of giving rather than taking, of loving not sparing, in appreciating more than cheapening.

When love grows cold, it is because it has been starved out while its enemy - familiarity - sits full and heavy between two lovers now grown apart. The wrong animal has been fed.

So many partners, devoid of courtship and favor, drift aimlessly apart upon the Sea of Monotony, left alone with only the memories of happier times, when a husband’s smile would exile a doubt or a wife’s embrace restore confidence.

William George Jordan once stated: “Love cannot live long on its past; it is its present that counts as a real force, and, like all other habits it intensifies by exercise. It is not fair to have all the roses before marriage, and only their memory and thorns afterwards.”

For some it may not be that their love for each other is less; they may even love each other more in a deeper, truer and stronger way and hold a great wealth of affection, but they do not keep it in circulation which, if blocked, results in flatline for the relationship.

Still, for others they may feel they’re too old to do special things for each other and express appreciation. Does one no longer require food simply because they are 65? Does giving up work mean love is also complete?

So how do we keep courtship alive? Here are a few suggestions:

Remember the highs in your marriage and what brought you both together. Tell your spouse why you chose to be with him or her over everyone else. Be creative and write romantic cards. Schedule time alone. Be spontaneous in your delivery of affections. Come home with flowers one day for no other reason than to express your love. Go on a weekly date. Talk about your relationship daily – face to face – with all social media devices and applications turned OFF! Write letters of encouragement and read them aloud to each other. Finally, give honest compliments and remember that the praising of one’s character carries greater weight than a respect for one’s appearance.

Winston Churchill once said that he could live for two months on a good compliment. I am confident that if the same time-frame were applied to marriage then its own life expectancy would be considerably extended when such praise is given multiple times daily!

Thus, by keeping courtship alive after marriage, it is very possible that two people, committed to their love, can in reality live after the manner of all fairy tale couples - happily ever after.

The Art of Listening

Two professors of medicine once recorded how long doctors let patients talk without interruption. The average time was just 18 seconds.

Interestingly, when the final results were presented, the two doctors insisted that they had let their patients talk for longer than 18 seconds and that if they listened to them without break they would never get anything done.

In response to their report, a follow-up study was completed to allow the patients to talk for as long as they wished, without interruption. Most ended up talking for only 30 seconds, and no patient talked for more than 90 seconds.

So what are we to gain from this study and how does it apply to marriage?

Perhaps the greatest profit is this: When you listen respectfully, without interruption, it’s really not as trying as you may think. In fact, its final outcome can usually be as positive as its practice.

It is true that in today’s hi-tech world, attentiveness is sorely lacking in most homes, and not just in marriages, but in whole families as well - and for many men this seemingly older yet always stirring virtue gets neglected in favor of an electronic display, as if a flat screen gives greater form and warmth than a soft smile or tender nod.

How ironic it is then that in modern marriage one of the greatest ‘applications’ in need of an upgrade is listening itself.

When interest is high, two respectful listeners can experience the greatest of pleasures and with the lack of it their greatest pains. Contention in marriage then more often reflects a lack of meaningful attention than anything else.

And in marriage it is not always true that the shortest distance between two people is a conversation. While this undoubtedly helps, the BEST way to reach understanding and intimacy is to circle the field and come in from the other side. That is, by seeing things from your partner’s perspective.

A few biblical verses capture the meaning of this concept perfectly:

“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem the other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things [viewpoints] of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)

The question was once asked, “What do you do to make him [her] feel you understand?” The reply came, “I take what he [she] says seriously.” Thus, a real consideration for your partner’s feelings helps to bridge rather than moat thoughts and opinions.

As well did the protagonist in Anne Rice’s novel, Interview with the Vampire, capture the essence of respectful listening:

“I was at a loss suddenly; but conscious all the while of how he listened; that he listened in the way that we dream of others listening, his face seeming to reflect on everything I said. He did not start forward to seize on my slightest pause, to assert an understanding of something before the thought was finished, or to argue with a swift, irresistible impulse – he did not do the things which often make dialogue impossible.”

It would be wise then to attend to your partner with your eyes, fully engaged. And as confidence and trust increase, you will find that the sharing of feelings, even ones long kept dormant, can be shared with greater ease.

And when dealing with differences, it is awfully hard to get on the same page when each partner is looking at an entirely different book!

To remedy this, be a comfort zone for your spouse so they can feel safe sharing things with you. If you find that your partner is avoidant and quiet, do a self-check. Perhaps their silence is a result of your own neglect or disruptive tendencies. Wait to persuade by focusing first on understanding their point of view than in defending your own.

Another way to practice respectful listening is to permit your partner to talk about a particular subject until they can no longer (remember the above study). Then summarize at least three points made, “So what I heard you say was….”

When confused, seek for more information rather than retribution. Asking questions shows sincere interest and genuine concern and serves as an excellent diffuser.

Daily should we ask ourselves: “What have I done recently to improve my spouse’s feelings about himself or herself?”

Through respectful listening, one may uncover such a wealth of information that may have otherwise been kept buried and hidden.

Remember: Empathize. Encourage. Summarize. Most importantly, always thank your partner for letting you in on his or her perspective.

Finally, when it comes to the art of listening in marriage, forever strive to spare the rod of disruption by spoiling your spouse with your ears.

Love Is a Ballast

The ‘Vasa’ was the name of an early 17th century Swedish battleship that foundered and sank after just one nautical mile from harbor into its maiden voyage. To those in attendance the unexpected tragedy must have come as a total shock given its outer splendor and glory.

So what was the reason for its sudden downfall? How could something so superior and inspiring from its very start end so quickly? The problem as it came to be known was not something related to its outer parts but rather what had been missing from its inner.

It had insufficient ballast.

Consequently, as the wind began to blow, the mighty vessel began to sway and falter due to its inability to stay upright bringing it to a terrible and tragic end of what could have been a very majestic and fortunate journey.

Marriage is a lot like a ship in sail with far too many of them, about half today, sinking needlessly and tragically like the Vasa did soon after their first launch.

When constructed with all the proper mechanics necessary for a successful operation – love, respect, attention – a committed relationship can be well suited to weather any trial, tempest, or tension. And in the same way a smooth sea denies a mariner his required skill, so will a marriage devoid of courtship and favor fail to make an enduring and stabilizing union.

In the absence of a steadying positive influence, from both partners, the matrimonial ship will invariably begin to waver and reel. And as words of criticism and blame blow without end, the vessel soon loses its spirit and finally surrenders to the elements, leaving it to drift and finally fail from the wounding waves of negativity. It really matters not the manner of its fall only that it is going down.

Too many relationships, made lighter by pride, selfishness or criticism, lack the necessary influence to stay balanced in times of trial or tempest. In such moments will the positive weight, or amount of love and respect in the relationship be tested and tried to see if it is sufficient enough to maintain the stability and security of the ship whatever the condition or conflict.

And if in those same testing situations we find ourselves more at odds with our significant other(s) than of one accord have we then regrettably exposed an empty marital hull – lacking in love and respect and the very influences by which all relationships can stay on course. 

I once heard someone say that our actions give us weight. That is, the more positive actions we take in life the more balanced and stable we (and our close relationships) become. Truly, it is in how we choose to act around our significant others that define who we really are and whether we have sufficient ballast in our own matrimonial, parental, or personal vessels to stay upright when hard times come.

Any key that rests will soon rust in the same way love will wear thin from disuse and neglect. In marriage, if it is to be kept alive it must be expressed frequently and in kindly words and thoughtful actions. When it is denied, much of the color and beauty of life will fade. This is like replacing the rainbow for the rainstorm.

Love begets love and it, like a boomerang, comes back to him or her who sends it out. Anger has the same effect and when left unanchored and loose, will put at risk the whole ship and its preferred course. It is therefore imperative that two people strive to keep their emotions fixed firmly on the relationship rather than self in order to avoid the risk of going off course or worse - under.

Husband and wife must learn to master their moods rather than dodge them completely which always pays in the dividends of sweetness and the love they express to each other daily - without fury or criticism.

If there are failings in your marriage, commit yourself to more positive action so that when the wind blows you can remain steadfast in your convictions and commitment to the relationship no matter the trouble.

Believe that love is the most precious cargo on the ship of life and that in a storm at sea it is the only real and valuable thing worth saving. Of what worth is pride and superiority if the ship itself is taking on water? The greatest security then is to love for love makes a wonderful ballast.

Perhaps Gabriel Garcia Marquez said it best when he declared:

“Always remember that the most important thing in a good marriage is not happiness but stability.”

The Shield of Achilles

In Homer's epic narrative of the Trojan War, the Iliad, he recounts the siege of Troy and of the great demigod warrior, Achilles, who, despite his many heroic deeds and victories, still sought for something far greater. But what more could a half-man half-god wish to possess that he did not already? Moreover, what else could he do that he had not already demonstrated through skill, bravery and determination?

Toward the latter end of the Iliad, before the crucial turning point of the war, Homer suspends his narrative of the final days of the Trojan War [in about 530 lines] to describe a more personal and meaningful piece of information - that of Achilles' shield. To some, the telling of the shield seems to detract from the war itself or appear out of place - even unnecessary.

But Homer was no fool and even without his eyesight could see composed his masterful and epic poems the Iliad and Odyssey. It is more than likely that his referencing the shield was aimed to remind the reader that war comes at a great cost and that no man, regardless of stature or prestige, fights for nothing. While some may fight for power and gain, many more choose to do so in defense of something greater - their lands, wives and families. Perhaps this is what really motivated Achilles and gave him purpose in battle - his long vision of a civilized life; not a life of advantage but one of simplicity which, ironically, he seems to eventually exchange for the immortality of his legend.

Still, others have postulated that Homer chose to break from the story to demonstrate the 'calm before the storm' as a result of Achilles' personal vendetta against Hector for the mistaken death of his cousin, Patroclus.

Even so, in the shield description we learn something very 'human' about Achilles - that beneath the fame and fanfare there was an ordinary man who, in spite of his many accomplishments and military skill, favored mortality and its limiting joys. In other words, he sought the 'good life,' the chance to settle down and savor the little things such as the sound of an afternoon breeze moving through trees or the smell of a woman's perfume who was his own. Or more accurately, as mentioned in the poem itself:

"The starry lights that heaven's high convex crown'd...Two cities radiant...one of peace and one of war...Along the street the new-made brides are led, with torches flaming to the nuptial bed...Another field rose high with waving grain...Ripe, in yellow gold, a vineyard shines...."[The Iliad, Book XVIII]

In sum, the shield depicts life as a series of contrasts - i.e. work and play, life and death, love and hate, war and peace - especially in the two cities as previously mentioned. In the first, a wedding is being celebrated while in the second there has been a murder and planned ambush as if to illustrate that man can never be free of conflict in life just as night invariably follows the day.

It is precisely because Homer took time away from his narrative in describing the shield that we learn an important truth about the world and how to sustain the orderly life beginning with the eternal truth that there is oppositional in all things, just as the prophet Lehi once declared:

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good or bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness or misery, neither sense nor insensibility."  (2 Nephi 2:11)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
Achilles' greatest strength was his strength of vision for what he saw deeply he fought for passionately - no matter the cost - even if it meant not seeing the same dream fulfilled. William Jennings Bryan illustrated this concept best in his book, The Prince of Peace:

"Only the man of faith can be courageous. Confident that he fights on the side of Jehovah, he doubts not the success of his cause. What matters it whether he shares in the shouts of triumph? If every word spoken in behalf of truth has its influence and every deed done for the right weighs in the final account, it is immaterial to the Christian whether his eyes behold victory or whether he dies in the midst of the conflict."

William George Jordan also said that, "A great purpose in life, something that unifies the strands and threads of each day's thinking, something that takes the sting from the petty trials, sorrows, sufferings and blunders of life, is a great aid to concentration. Soldiers in battle may forget their wounds, or even be unconscious of them, in the inspiration of battling for what they believe is right."

With that said, may we consider more the shield of Achilles and put to heart its layered message that 'there is an opposition in all things' and that, like the two aforementioned cities, we can choose to live and fight for the one or the other - "the image one of peace, or one of war."

I like to believe that Achilles would have chosen the former.

Long live the fighters

Baby No. 59

I have been haunted over the last few days by the image of a little infant boy removed from a sewage pipe after being literally flushed down the toilet by his mother. I struggled with seeing the video of the rescue but finally submitted, watching in disbelief that after an hour of being stuck in filth the small baby still breathed and had life. Truly, this was a miracle.

Once the pipe cover was finally removed, revealing the 6 pound 2 oz frame, the baby opened his mouth wide. It was as if he had been waiting to breathe in fresher air. At that point many things flashed before my eyes leaving myself breathless with all other thoughts suspended - the final one spawning the notion of just what a 'civilized' society today considers to be an appropriate waste product worthy of removal. And the fact that a person, or more pointedly a mother, could be led to believe that a newborn baby is somehow synonymous with 'waste' is beyond horrifying. Such cruelty, indifference and antipathy cannot be matched.

In a similar fashion have are our own morals and core principles been spiraling down to suffocate and die in a sea of our own created filth. Tragically, this man-made ocean is vast and very deep reflecting a perpetual pouring out of values no different than what occurred among the ancient Greeks and Romans who, in the end, both fell from greatness.

Perhaps the late Robert E. Howard said it best when his wild character, King Kull, exclaimed:

"The more I see of what you call civilization, the more highly I think of what you call savagery."

Have we fallen that far?

Once again, the fact that someone could flush a breathing, beating human baby down a decrepit pipe filled with waste and filth is beyond all moral comprehension. Truly, it grieves my soul. I may never really know how or why a mother could grant her baby's first breath within the confines of a sewage drain and considering my emotional reactions to the whole thing I would not be far removed from having such a person flushed down the same drain - only in pieces.

But, like the adulteress's accusers, I must also drop the stone of unrighteous judgment in obedience to the Master's command, who, in the end, will hold all things [and people] in their proper balance, especially the affairs of this infant baby's mother.

Now, while the majority of my posted blogs convey a message of real disdain and frustration for evil and political corruption in the world followed by a plan of action to correct it, it is of my opinion that this truly heart-wrenching story can in reality be one of gratitude and thanksgiving.

And here's why:

That in a country like China, where forced abortions are as routined as an early morning shower, there are still those with sufficient sense - or feeling - to recognize evil and then act accordingly in defense of the innocent.

By this truth alone do I still retain hope in humanity and the responsibility we all have to be 'my brother's keeper.'

On a more spiritual note, and given my personal interest and testimony of scripture I could not help but reflect on 'Baby No. 59' and wonder what the 59th chapter of Psalms in the Old Testament had to say, if anything, about this sort of thing. Upon careful review I did in fact find a sweet assurance and source of understanding in its final two verses.

They read:

"But I will sing of thy power; yea, I will sing aloud of thy mercy in the morning: for thou hast been my defence and refuge in the day of my trouble. Unto thee, O my strength, will I sing: for God is my defence, and the God of my mercy." (vs. 16-17)

To be sure, God is merciful and permits his divine light to shine down on the good and the bad. I hope this baby's mother finds the help and healing she needs and can experience a mighty change of heart as a result of the one still beating inside her infant son's chest.

We live in a mad world that is fast losing its hold on all things pure and innocent - yea, even on our own young - but we must never quit or give in to the despair. Rather, just as the psalmist recorded, it is our duty to sing of His mercies and blessings and to rejoice in the saving of a newborn's life that by all accounts should not have survived.

So, I will forever pray that God's infinite goodness will continue to make itself manifest in the lives of good people who remain unafraid in their raising of the arm of virtue in defense of the weak - along with their voice(s) - in singing aloud His tender mercies over all in their day of trouble - especially Baby No. 59.

Long live the fighters