The Art of Listening

Two professors of medicine once recorded how long doctors let patients talk without interruption. The average time was just 18 seconds.

Interestingly, when the final results were presented, the two doctors insisted that they had let their patients talk for longer than 18 seconds and that if they listened to them without break they would never get anything done.

In response to their report, a follow-up study was completed to allow the patients to talk for as long as they wished, without interruption. Most ended up talking for only 30 seconds, and no patient talked for more than 90 seconds.

So what are we to gain from this study and how does it apply to marriage?

Perhaps the greatest profit is this: When you listen respectfully, without interruption, it’s really not as trying as you may think. In fact, its final outcome can usually be as positive as its practice.

It is true that in today’s hi-tech world, attentiveness is sorely lacking in most homes, and not just in marriages, but in whole families as well - and for many men this seemingly older yet always stirring virtue gets neglected in favor of an electronic display, as if a flat screen gives greater form and warmth than a soft smile or tender nod.

How ironic it is then that in modern marriage one of the greatest ‘applications’ in need of an upgrade is listening itself.

When interest is high, two respectful listeners can experience the greatest of pleasures and with the lack of it their greatest pains. Contention in marriage then more often reflects a lack of meaningful attention than anything else.

And in marriage it is not always true that the shortest distance between two people is a conversation. While this undoubtedly helps, the BEST way to reach understanding and intimacy is to circle the field and come in from the other side. That is, by seeing things from your partner’s perspective.

A few biblical verses capture the meaning of this concept perfectly:

“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem the other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things [viewpoints] of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)

The question was once asked, “What do you do to make him [her] feel you understand?” The reply came, “I take what he [she] says seriously.” Thus, a real consideration for your partner’s feelings helps to bridge rather than moat thoughts and opinions.

As well did the protagonist in Anne Rice’s novel, Interview with the Vampire, capture the essence of respectful listening:

“I was at a loss suddenly; but conscious all the while of how he listened; that he listened in the way that we dream of others listening, his face seeming to reflect on everything I said. He did not start forward to seize on my slightest pause, to assert an understanding of something before the thought was finished, or to argue with a swift, irresistible impulse – he did not do the things which often make dialogue impossible.”

It would be wise then to attend to your partner with your eyes, fully engaged. And as confidence and trust increase, you will find that the sharing of feelings, even ones long kept dormant, can be shared with greater ease.

And when dealing with differences, it is awfully hard to get on the same page when each partner is looking at an entirely different book!

To remedy this, be a comfort zone for your spouse so they can feel safe sharing things with you. If you find that your partner is avoidant and quiet, do a self-check. Perhaps their silence is a result of your own neglect or disruptive tendencies. Wait to persuade by focusing first on understanding their point of view than in defending your own.

Another way to practice respectful listening is to permit your partner to talk about a particular subject until they can no longer (remember the above study). Then summarize at least three points made, “So what I heard you say was….”

When confused, seek for more information rather than retribution. Asking questions shows sincere interest and genuine concern and serves as an excellent diffuser.

Daily should we ask ourselves: “What have I done recently to improve my spouse’s feelings about himself or herself?”

Through respectful listening, one may uncover such a wealth of information that may have otherwise been kept buried and hidden.

Remember: Empathize. Encourage. Summarize. Most importantly, always thank your partner for letting you in on his or her perspective.

Finally, when it comes to the art of listening in marriage, forever strive to spare the rod of disruption by spoiling your spouse with your ears.