The Guilty Mom

Guilt (gilt): n. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

So you feel guilty as a mom because you didn't spend enough "quality time" with your children today outside of feeding, wiping, band-aiding, and sending them outside to play with friends.

So you feel guilty as a mom for yelling when your children decided to make a family of sea urchins out of play-doh, sewing needles, and toothpicks and then left them on the floor as a present.

So you feel guilty as a mom for getting mad at dinner because the words "poop" and "fart" came up more times than you can count.

So you feel guilty as a mom because during that same dinner your child refused to eat what was prepared and out of a need to avoid further argument you acquiesced to the demand, microwaved the Dino-eggs oatmeal pack and then watched them pick at and stir the contents until they were too bored to actually eat any of it.

So you feel guilty as a mom for lashing out at your child when they came back into your room complaining about feeling bored after you had just finished playing a board-game with them, watched a cartoon (and then another one just to be extra nice), braided their hair, painted their nails, or played catch, lost at Mario-Kart, drew up a bath, and then chalked the driveway with rainbows, suns, and a family picture where everyone is smiling.

So you feel guilty as a mom for isolating when a coma seemed more pleasurable than another minute surrounded by little humans that in concert sound like the annoying seagulls in Finding Nemo: "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!"

So you feel guilty as a mom for letting the neighbors worry about your kids all afternoon.

So you feel guilty as a mom for forgetting that you even had children during that same afternoon.

So you feel guilty as a mom for always feeling like a complainer to your spouse when it comes to dealing with the kids only to get upset when that same spouse begins to feel the same way you do just mere minutes after returning home.

So you feel guilty as a mom for letting your child eat their fifth popsicle before 10am because having some small measure of peace is worth more than the now almost empty box of ice-pops you bought just the day before.

So you feel guilty as a mom for choosing to buy paints as a fun way to occupy your child's attention and encourage their individual "creative expression" only to send them to their room a short time later for leaving the mess all over the floor, table, wall, bathroom sink, their new clothes, kitchen countertop, fridge handle....

So you feel guilty as a mom for not giving enough hugs and kisses to your children throughout the day.

So you feel guilty as a mom for spanking your child.

So you feel guilty as a mom for sending your child to their room for a time-out and then being reminded of that fact the moment they come into your room to ask if they can come out now.

So you feel guilty as a mom for ignoring your kids more than talking with them.

So you feel guilty as a mom for cringing when your child wants to tell you a joke or share a story because you feel as if you are about to be sent to a North Korean labor camp for 18 months.

So you feel guilty as a mom for feeling depressed and unmotivated to be with your children all day.

So you feel guilty as a mom for feeling like a bad role-model.

So you feel guilty as a mom for finding that listening to your kids can feel as much like a chore as cleaning the bathtub.

So you feel guilty as a mom for praying the new school year starts the day after summer break begins.

So you feel guilty as a mom for focusing too much on the house or business.

So you feel guilty as a mom for blaming all the kids for the fight instead of singling out the main culprit, who, now feels like you play favorites.

So you feel guilty as a mom for watching the ID channel (Investigation Discovery) more than Nickelodeon and favoring stories of murder and mayhem over episodes of Spongebob and Bubble Guppies.

So you feel guilty as a mom for not really caring to push your child to excel higher because they're already still breathing and that seems like enough of an accomplishment.

So you feel guilty as a mom for saying 'yes' more than saying 'no.'

So you feel guilty as a mom for saying 'no' more than saying 'yes.'

So you feel guilty as a mom for letting your child help with dinner and then instantly regretting the opportunity after the one hundredth question has been asked: "Now what, mom?"

So you feel guilty as a mom for not feeling good enough after catching a glimpse of another mom who also happens to be the PTO president and city councilwoman and looks as if she would keep on smiling even after her child threw up on her face or cut their own hair with the meat scissors.

So you feel guilty as a mom for spending too little time with your children.

So you feel guilty as a mom for looking at the cost more than the benefit.

So you feel guilty as a mom for finding greater interest in the drama revealed by the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills than on which child took what from who and why.

So you feel guilty as a mom for not being like Caillou's "ever so patient and willing to do anything he asks" mom.

So you feel guilty as a mom for being on top of your iPhone game, like Candy Crush, more than your child's homework.

So you feel guilty as a mom for using iPads, iPhones, and the Wii to aid in child care and instruction.

So you feel guilty as a mom for looking more at what playtime with the kids will take from you rather than give back.

So you feel guilty as a mom for wishing DVR worked on children as much as it does for your favorite TV shows - hoping to pause or set a timer for when you decide to address their needs and concerns, if at all.

So you feel guilty as a mom for wanting a nanny or a weekly housemaid.

So you feel guilty as a mom for yawning when you read that love is spelled T-I-M-E.

So you feel guilty as a mom for indulging your own interests and appetites at times.

So you feel guilty as a mom for waking up each morning already dressed for the day ahead.

So you feel guilty as a mom waking up every morning excited for bedtime.

So you feel guilty as a mom for rolling your eyes whenever your child comes home from school excited about this year's science project - the one you now feel forced to invest time into.

So you feel guilty as a mom for taking over said science project and then getting mad at your child for not doing it right or making it look sloppy.

So you feel guilty as a mom when you feel the need to ask your spouse or partner for help.

So you feel guilty as a mom when other moms highlight their child's accomplishments while your own are calling each other "stupid idiots" and exchanging death threats.

So you feel guilty as a mom when you have thoughts of making similar threats to this same mother.

So you feel guilty as a mom for viewing your children through the lens of your own pain suffered when you were a child and not feeling like you are acting any different.

So you feel guilty as a mom for having your child in counseling and being on medications.

So you feel guilty as a mom for being in counseling yourself and not knowing if you can do it all.

So you feel guilty as a mom for wishing at times you hadn't become one.

So you feel guilty as a mom for once believing that children were thoughtful and compliant creatures.

So you feel guilty as a mom for reading many articles, quotes, and blogposts from those who call parenting a joy and the responsibility a high privilege and then calling BS on it.

So you feel guilty as a mom for missing the deadlines to sign up your child for swim lessons, flag football, soccer, ballet, or any other extra-curricular activity.

So you feel guilty as a mom for not utilizing the public library during summer break because borrowed books have to be kept track of and you don't want to have to think about anything more than you have to.

So you feel guilty as a mom for neglecting your children's dental, vision, and medical check-ups even though you have thought about scheduling an appointment for many months now, sometimes years.

So now you might be feeling a little less guilty as a mom because someone else perhaps understands a little of what you may be feeling.

Let's be frank. Parenting is hard work and sucks about 99.9% of the time. However, just as in life, there are those choice moments when everything else takes a backseat such as when your child scores a goal during the soccer game or you're presented with a drawing of the two of you holding hands, smiling, beneath a colorful sky with a happy sun in it wearing glasses. Such moments provide the perspective we need to know that even in the storm it is still possible to smile.

On that same note, think of parenting as a rainstorm. In the Hagakure, The Book of the Samurai, we are told to view everything in life as a rainstorm. It reads:

"There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you will still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to everything."

In other words, problems are an inevitable part of life, just like getting wet during a storm. No matter how hard you try to avoid getting wet, you will still get wet, because these storms can come on suddenly. So, just as in parenting, when we are resolved from the beginning to experience some guilt, discouragement, frustration, anger, sadness, anxiety and fear, we will not be as bothered, for we will have learned that such feelings are not at all bad, they just are.

What that means is that we can practice greater acceptance, surrendering to the reality of what is. This is different than giving up. It just means being willing to have the experience you're already having. For example:

"I hate my kids and being a mom is just one floor away from hell."

Accept the feeling. Always remember that pain plus resistance equals suffering whereas pain plus acceptance equals freedom. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. This is different than acting on them. I can totally picture myself punting my son across the backyard for being a punk but I would not really do it. My mind can though. And when I imagine him soaring across the yard beneath a purple sky at dusk, I smile. And then I feel okay.

So, stop wishing that things were different from how they are. So your present reality sucks. So does everyone else's to one degree or another. We are all in need of a change somewhere in our lives. The more you fight the guilt the more it will have reign over you. Experiencing guilt is a hallmark of parenting because we are all imperfect people trying to do an imperfect thing: to raise human beings, not gods. Gods are perfect. People are not.

The moment you think differently, you are setting yourself up for failure. NO ONE gets it exactly right. God didn't and He was a perfect parent. And even He had children who fought, fell, and fled.

So, parents, especially mothers, don't look at guilt as a bad thing. Think of it as a rainstorm that you will no longer try to avoid or escape. Resolve in your mind now that feeling guilty is part of the process of parenting. Put away the umbrella and get soaked up in it all. And then, when the kids aren't looking, go inside and lock the door behind you.