The Love Principle

Confucius was once asked if there is any word which by itself would serve as a practical rule of life, or, which in its meaning alone would represent how man shall live. His answer: “Reciprocity.” In essence, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

As the term reciprocity suggests, when one person is loving and kind, the other tends to behave similarly. And in marriage, the most intimate of human relations, such kindness and warmth is like the sun to a flower, able to call out the blossom from within whenever it is closed.

For instance, when you smile, your spouse tends to smile back. If you are attentive, they are more willing to listen in return.

Realize that being kind and caring for the sake of being kind and caring promotes a favorable outcome as it is hard to yell when expressing fondness or be criticized when giving loving service. In the same way, one cannot ever feel guilty for having been concerned or caring.

In truth, this positive practice is very disarming to the defenses of the other which helps promote greater closeness than distance, peace instead of conflict, compassion more than coldness.

Conversely, when dark clouds of criticism and complaint come rolling in, the very light that once kept the marriage lit up now leaves a long shadow on its way out, veiling all the good for what is now perceived to be the greater bad. This is the love principle in reverse.

In such times, many will ask what the use is anymore. Why should I be kind if they are still mean? My answer is always the same – love them anyways.

How would you like to be the person rejecting someone who really loves you? How would you like to be that person? For they are in the tougher predicament as a fish refusing the very water it needs to survive. But their rejection OF you ought to still bring out the same level of compassion FROM you for it is always better to be kind than mean.

Truly Jesus was on to something when he encouraged his followers to return good for evil.

And in all of scripture, I feel the following passage illustrates this principle the very best:

“Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask for bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?”

Consider now when your spouse asks for closeness, do you give distance? For more talk, silence? If for more fun, do you give sameness?

Refuse then the ‘serpent’ and ‘stone’ in your marriage and forever strive for the advantage of your other. After all, bread and fish taste better.

Along with that, just as a bee cannot survive on its own outside of the hive, neither can we experience the greatest of life’s joys apart from those who mean the most to us. And if the saying is true that you attract more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, then I propose that we make the decision now to be sweeter in all we say and do, beginning with kissing more than hissing.

Again, there is much truth to be found when this principle of going the second mile, turning the other cheek, judging not, and returning good for evil is put in force in marriage.

Strive more for oneness in your marriage for living in difference only traps you in the world of judgment turning your partner into a “him or her” instead of “us.”

Once more, view him or her as a flower who, at the opening of each day, needs but a little ray of sunshine to come out in all their beauty. After all, there’s no meaning to a flower unless it blooms nor color to a marriage left in total darkness.

But, if you persist in feeling angry, inattentive, critical, rude, deceitful and mean, regardless of the situation, then this principle will have the opposite effect. So ask yourself the following when the war cry begins:

“Will what I say make things better or worse?”

“If I do what I am considering, what will be the consequences?

“Will it bring me closer or farther apart from my spouse?”

“What will my reaction say about me as a person?”

“Will it increase love?”

“Is it kind?”

Finally, practice the following meditation daily to promote the kind of love so vital in sustaining a happy marriage and that of all human relationships:

“I see you in me, and me in you.”

That is reciprocity and the more excellent way to secure greater happiness in your life and that of your marriage and family relations.